The Sectarian Part IV: Luzy-Ann Goes to Confession, A Case of Too Much Information

CONFESSION: IMPURE THOUGHTS

INT. CHURCH CONFESSIONAL ROOM   AFTERNOON

Luzy-Ann enters the confessional.  She kneels behind the screen.  Father Denton is already sitting behind the screen. 

FATHER DENTON

Good afternoon, Luzy-Ann.

LUZY-ANN

Uh, ha, good afternoon, Father.

FATHER DENTON

Would you like to take a seat beside me Luzy-Ann?

Luzy-Ann peers over to the side and sees the empty seat.

LUZY-ANN

Ah, no, not today, Father.

FATHER DENTON

As you wish, Luzy-Ann.  May the Lord bless this confession you are about to make. 

(signs the cross)

You may begin.

LUZY-ANN

Amen. 

(clears throat)

Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  It has been three weeks since my last confession.  Here are my sins. 

I grew impatient with my family, my mother and father, and of course, my sister, several times this week.

I spoke uncharitably about a friend earlier this week. 

I had um, ba-ad thoughts two weeks ago, Thursday before last.  I neglected to say my evening prayers, I was so sleepy but then I woke up in the middle of the night and made up for it.

FATHER DENTON

Let's go back to Thursday before last, shall we, Luzy-Ann?

LUZY-ANN

What?

FATHER DENTON

Let's go back to when you had your bad thoughts.

LUZY-ANN

Uh, when was that, Father?

FATHER DENTON

The Thursday before last.

LUZY-ANN

What about it?

FATHER DENTON

What were your bad thoughts, Luzy-Ann?

LUZY-ANN

Well, they weren't bad, exactly.

FATHER DENTON

What were they?

LUZY-ANN

They were,--

(blurts out)

I had impure thoughts!

Silence.

FATHER DENTON

We all have impure thoughts, Luzy-Ann.

LUZY-ANN

We do?  I mean, you do, Father?

FATHER DENTON

Well, yes, sometimes.  It makes us human.

Luzy-Ann gets excited.  She is almost salivating.

LUZY-ANN

(fluttering heart)

What are your thoughts like, Father?

FATHER DENTON

I am not in confession, Luzy-Ann.

LUZY-ANN

Oh!  Of course, Father.

It well, my thoughts,--

(sighs)

It all starts when my friends start talking about their boyfriends or the boys they'd like to be their boyfriends.

(pause)

FATHER DENTON

And.

LUZY-ANN

And I start warning them not to do anything, well, sinful, and then naturally, I start to worry about them and so, after mulling over these bad things that they might do, my mind starts to wonder, and, and I start having impure thoughts of my own.

FATHER DENTON

What kind?

LUZY-ANN

(eyes widen)

Well, the usual, Father.

FATHER DENTON

(clinically)

What's the usual for you, Luzy-Ann?

LUZY-ANN

Uh, the usual thoughts a girl of my age has...

FATHER DENTON

Such as,--

LUZY-ANN

I-I don't know if I can tell you Father, and face you again, I mean.  Does God really want to know the details?  Can't he read between the lines in my mind from here on out?

FATHER DENTON

Of course, Luzy-Ann, but to be fully repentant and receive the forgiveness of God, we must make a full confession and fully bare our soul to him.

LUZY-ANN

Oh!  I know.  It's just.  Well, I think about you know, making love, of course I'm married in my daydreams!  So it's all not sinful and all.  And of course, we're not using contraceptives or anything.  And it's dark so... Father?

FATHER DENTON

Yes.

(pause)

Do you have any other impure thoughts?

LUZY-ANN

No-o.

FATHER DENTON

(imitates her)

No-o?

LUZY-ANN

No-o.

(long pause)

They're not exactly impure thoughts.

FATHER DENTON

Have you done anything?

LUZY-ANN

What?  Oh, my God, I mean, oh my goodness, no.  It's just, sighs, I've done some impure acts. 

FATHER DENTON

What kind?

LUZY-ANN

I haven't had sex or anything!  I've just thought about that, when I'm married of course. 

FATHER DENTON

What kind of impure acts have you done, Luzy-Ann?

LUZY-ANN

None!  Well, not with anybody.

FATHER DENTON

With yourself?

LUZY-ANN

Not, exactly.  I mean, it doesn't count if you

(pause)

T-touch yourself outside your clothes, does it?

FATHER DENTON

The intent is there.  If you do it in your heart--

LUZY-ANN

But I didn't do it, not inside my underwear at least.

(rebelliously)

And Father, really, if I think about killing my neighbor but don't actually do it, it can't be as bad, can it?

FATHER DENTON

But you did it, Luzy-Ann.

LUZY-ANN

I know, but I never really touched myself.  I touched my underwear!

FATHER DENTON

For your penance, why don't you say two our Fathers and three Hail Mary's? 

LUZY-ANN

Yes, Father.

FATHER DENTON

You may say the Act of Contrition now.

LUZY-ANN

Yes, Father.  Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for all the sins that I have committed, against you and against... 

Father Denton starts mumbling and signs the cross behind the screen.

FATHER DENTON

You may go now and may the Holy Spirit help you to sin no more.

LUZY-ANN

Amen.  Thank you Father.

Oh, Father, it's okay isn't it?

FATHER DENTON

Yes, Luzy-Ann.  Your sins are forgiven. 

LUZY-ANN

(nervously)

And-and you won't tell anybody?

FATHER DENTON

Your sins are safe with me, Luzy-Ann.

LUZY-ANN

And, and you don't think less of me?

FATHER DENTON

More.

LUZY-ANN

(puzzled, startled)

Oh! okay, have a good day, Father.

FATHER DENTON

Same to you, Luzy-Ann.  Others are waiting.

LUZY-ANN

Of course!  How thoughtless of me.

Luzy-Ann begins to get up off her knees.  She stops.

LUZY-ANN

Oh, Father?

FATHER DENTON

Yes, Luzy-Ann.

LUZY-ANN

Was that three Our Fathers and two Hail Mary's or three Hail Mary's and two Our Fathers?

FATHER DENTON

What's the difference? 

LUZY-ANN

Oh! I meant--

FATHER DENTON

Two Our Fathers and Three Hail Mary's, I think. 

LUZY-ANN

Thank you again, Father.  You made me feel much better, as if, as if my spirit's really cleansed now. 

Luzy-Ann rapidly leaves the confessional.

PROTEST WITH THE KLAN